Sunday, August 28, 2016

I Met My Husband Before I Was Ready

      They say true love is the ultimate goal that all humans seek. The lucky ones meet "the one" very early in life, some go through a few relationships before they get it right, and well some, meet the one before they are ready. What do I mean by that? I'm talking about those dreadful on and off again relationships, the couples that can't decide to let go or hold on, and that girl who loves her boyfriend one night and can't stand him the next morning. Please don't be annoyed by these couples. They are in love, their just simply not ready for each other. It is possible to find the love of your life before you are ready to be with them 100%.

      I met my husband just after I turned 18. My age alone should tell you that I was not ready for a serious relationship. I was too immature, I wanted to party with my friends, I was selfish, I didn't have enough life experience to be ready for the relationship we have now. I didn't even know where my life was going! I still hadn't learned to love myself, so how could I love him?  But he was so handsome and he made me laugh, you couldn't pay me not to like this guy. I fell in love with him fast and hard. Too bad, I wasn't ready for him. Our relationship was pretty rocky for the first three years no matter how hard we fought to make it perfect. Why?

     I was an 18-year-old girl, playing mind games and purposely doing things to push his buttons. I guess I wanted to see how far I could push him and what I could get away with. I would constantly do things to make him jealous just to see how he would react. I now realize I caused so many of those pointless fights. If any girls are doing this, just stop. He doesn't think it's cute. 

My husband will probably fall over dead once he reads that I am admitting this.. I was so selfish, all I cared about was what I wanted and what I wanted to do. I hardly ever put myself in his shoes. I acted like a spoiled brat if I didn't get exactly what I wanted. Ugh, this is so embarrassing to admit... 

I had just turned 18, I finally had nobody to answer to. If I wanted to go out with my friends until 3 A.M., I thought I had every right to do that. I shouldn't have to answer to him or anyone else! I was a "mature adult" (or so I thought.) Too bad when you are in a relationship, you do have someone to answer to. Note this; If you have someone who cares enough to call and check on you, answer your damn phone.  Don't make the stupid mistakes I did.

Obviously, since we truly loved each other but we were not ready to be together, we fought a lot. Remember, I was selfish and immature. I thought the only way to resolve an argument was to walk away or just end the relationship for a week or two. It never occurred to me to put myself in his shoes or speak to each other with respect.

I think every girl goes through this. I had a lot of insecurities at this point in my life, I doubted his feelings for me often, and I thought he could do way better than me. How could he love me, when I couldn't even love me? As much as he tried to make me understand that he loved me, I was never convinced. 

I had no idea what I wanted to do with my life or where my life was going. The only job I had before I met Hesten was a cashier's job at Harps and when we met, I didn't even own a car.  He was actually a big part of me getting my life together, thank you babe!

I thought the way I could solve the constant fighting was to make him my world. I said goodbye to everyone he didn't like me hanging out with, up to and including friends I had known since I was 13-years-old. Everything I did, revolved around him. I was too immature to realize that was not a healthy relationship. The sad thing is, he never asked me to do this. I thought it would fix all of our issues but it only made them worse.

Our last breakup taught me a lot! This really gave me the "21-year-old single gal experience." I hated it. It was depressing to live in an apartment alone. There was no one to fight about what we were going to have for dinner or what to put on the T.V. I would have eaten Chinese food for the next fifty years if it meant that I could have him back in my life. This was also the longest breakup, roughly four months. Looking back, I'm so thankful for our time apart. It made me reflect on myself and the mistakes I made during our relationship. We both grew up and realized a life apart was not the life either of us wanted. What's that saying? "Absence makes the heart grow fonder." Yeah, that is true!

I wasn't ready to meet my husband when I did. We were not ready to give each other what we needed, and although sometimes we were apart, we grew closer together. If it is meant to be, it will find its way. Not all dramatic on and off again relationships end in heartbreak. Sometimes you just have to trust that good things come to those who wait. I believe that my marriage is proof that people can change for the better because we did. So thank you to my wonderful husband for never giving up on us, for giving me time to change, and for changing yourself. You are honest to God the best husband I could ever ask for. I love you.

To my readers:
I hope this post reaches someone who is going through an emotional rollercoaster relationship and can relate. Don't stress the little things. Shout out to the married couples who never gave up on the one they met when they were not ready to find them. I know this seemed like I'm putting all the blame on myself for our messed up relationship but we both made mistakes and we both changed.

Here's to 1 year and 7 months of marriage! Woohoo! 

Thank you for reading! Subscribe to follow Hesten & I as we go through the motions of Marriage and Life!

Monday, August 22, 2016

Our Miscarriage Story

As you can tell from the title of this post, it is not going to a very fun post, sorry in advanced.

In my Bio/My Story section I do mention this briefly and I knew that I would eventually make an official post about it.

When a woman has a miscarriage, I feel like she is not encouraged enough to talk about it..

Well, I'm an open book.

When I found out that I was pregnant, Hesten and I had been married for 9 months. At the time Hesten had no desire for babies but I had a bad case of baby fever. He wanted to be 100% ready for a baby, financially and emotionally. Even though my Mom told him a thousand times, "Hesten you'll never be as ready as you want to be for a baby." She had a bad case of gran-baby fever lol.

I had noticed some changes in my body, I won't go into detail just in case there are gentlemen reading this. I was not one of those girls who tracked her "time of the month" but I always knew when Aunt Flow was going to make an appearance. These symptoms felt different. I actually took a pregnancy test at my sister's house but it was negative. Since I wasn't tracking Aunt Flow, I didn't realize at the time it was too early to test. A week went by after testing and still no Aunt Flow, so I bought another test. I don't think it even took 3 seconds for both lines to show up! I was so shocked to actually see two lines! I called my sisters and my Aunt and shared the exciting news over the telephone because I just couldn't wait. Hesten was going to be home in an hour, and well, I couldn't even wait to tell him in person. I called him, crying and he was in the middle of working with a customer and had to call me back. He didn't call me back, he came right home. After the shock wore off, we were both so excited. I was kinda freaking out, I mean after all there was a baby inside of me.

If you put two and two together, you notice I mentioned my Mom had a bad case of gran-baby #3 fever but I did not call her right when I found out. I knew I had to tell our Moms in a special way. Its funny, the week before I found out I was in fact pregnant, Hesten's Mom asked me if I was, like she knew. 

One of my Mom's favorite games is "Hangman." So at my Nephews birthday party, where my whole family would be, we played a game of Hangman. I went first and my family had to guess, "Mom, I'm pregnant." She first guess "Mom, I am stupid." haha. ;) She was so excited. When she realized what it actually said, she couldn't even get the words out she was so happy. 

Lisa, my Mother-in-Law, aka the sweetest woman alive, didn't have any gran-babies yet so I thought it would be most appropriate to buy her a frame that said "The Best Moms get Promoted to Grandma." We surprised her at her house on a Sunday, she wasn't expecting us. She guessed why we were there before she even opened her present. #mothersinstinct

We have the best Moms! 

Later that week we announced our news to all of our wonderful friends with this picture on Facebook.

I was so nervous for our first doctor's appointment because I had only been to the doctor a handful of times. We didn't know what to expect. Our doctor was so wonderful, answered all of our questions and we saw our baby for the first time. I was not expecting an ultrasound on my first visit, so when she brought us to the other room and saw the ultrasound machine I was so happy! At that moment everything become surreal when she/he showed up on the screen. Our hearts were stolen.. She told me I was 9 weeks along which was much further than I had thought. I was so excited to only have 3 weeks left of the first trimester, I was hoping to get a break from morning sickness soon.  Sadly, we didn't know at the time it would be the only time we met our baby and the only opportunity to capture a picture.

Our little baby. :)

Being the young married couple that we were (still are) we didn't have it all together. But we were going to make sure our baby had everything she/he needed. First things first, time to get a more reliable vehicle. Sadly, the baby didn't like my new car and it made me sick anytime I would drive it. haha. #irony 

We started looking at bigger houses in nicer neighborhoods, and moved into one.

My friends loaded me up with "what to expect when you're expecting" books, advice, baby room ideas.. we were going to be ready as we could be for a new baby. Everything seemed to be coming together in the short amount of time I was pregnant.

I woke up on a Sunday, almost a week after our first appointment and I had really bad cramps. I was pretty sick every morning so far of my pregnancy. I didn't know if it was normal so I didn't say anything, I just assumed it was part of pregnancy. Nothing happened that day but the cramps continued to the next morning. I was 10 weeks along today! I went to work as usual  and got my morning started. I remember standing up from my desk and it felt like I had peed my pants. So I rushed to the bathroom only to realize it wasn't urine but blood. I told my coworker that I had to leave, I was bleeding. Hesten forgot his phone at home and thank God he was on his way home to get it, I called him a thousand times. I finally got him to answer and I met him at our house and he drove me to the ER. We went to the closest ER, Mercy. When they checked on my baby, she/he was still had a heartbeat, and was okay. They sent me home with some pain medication and told me to rest. They said I was having a "Threatened miscarriage." Which means there is a good chance I was going to lose her/him. They told me to go in the next day to their OB-GYN for a check up.

Our appointment was at 2:00. I did my best to relax and the bleeding seemed to stop. So I had high hope that this was just a scare and everything was going to be okay. When I got to the doctors office they asked me to give them a urine sample. I went into the bathroom and that is when I realized the bleeding had started again. Crushed. I told one of the nurses I couldn't give a sample because I was bleeding. She looked at me with the saddest look and said it was alright, and everything was going to be alright.

They got us into a patient's room rather quickly. My nurse was the most caring nurse I had come in contact with. She prayed with me, and kept making sure I was comfortable. She said we needed to see if we can find a heartbeat, I wasn't ready to face reality yet. I was in a lot of physically and emotional pain. I'm so lucky to have a husband I can truly depend on, he was my rock that day.
The doctor came in right away after my nurse couldn't find a heartbeat and started to check things out for himself. During this time I was also passing massive blood when the doctor removed her/him from me I couldn't tell a difference. All of the sudden, the pain had went away. I thought he figured out what was wrong and fixed it. He asked me, "Do you know why your pain is gone?" As soon as he asked, I knew I was no longer pregnant.

How do you say goodbye to someone you never met but you loved more than you loved anyone you had? It is hard. You don't know who you are saying goodbye to, you don't know the memories you could have made, all you have to say goodbye to is your plans and what should have been. I also thought our baby was going to be a girl, I was going to name her Olivia-Whittney. I had all these plans for us, I imagined what Hesten was going to be like as a Dad, the things we would teach her, and we determined that I was going to be the push over Mom for sure. ;)

Mercy paid our baby the utmost respect and gave us a proper burial service with other Moms and Dads who lost their babies. They handed us this tiny box with her inside.

She'll always be in my heart.

I have no doubt, I will meet her in Heaven.

It does get easier, but I think any Mom or Dad who has been through a miscarriage still has their sad days. I don't want any Mom to feel like she can't talk about her angel baby or that she isn't a Mom. We suffer a great deal of pain for them, even if we don't get to hold them.

I encourage anyone has been through a miscarriage to leave your story in the comments below and if you haven't, simply share this post with your friends.

In Memory of Baby Ogden

Sunday, August 14, 2016

Why I Refused to Help an Honest Stranger

Welcome back lovelies! 

So this week's post is going to be a "So this happened" post. Where I share events that happen in my life and what I learn from them, if anything.. :)


I wrote this in an hour at 10pm because I was feeling inspired to share this with you.

Let's rewind back to two weeks ago in the Walmart Parking lot...

I had just walked out of Wal-Mart and I was opening my car door to put the things that I just purchased in the back seat of my car, when I noticed this younger guy walking towards me.. with all the craziness in the world I have been paying more attention to my surroundings...

He was extremely tall, had big crazy blonde curly hair.... He looked a lot like a white version Corbin Bleu in High School musical..

My first thought was he was just going to walk right past me, like why would he come up to me? We don't know each other.

Instead, he walks right up to my car and said "Hey can you help me jump start my car?" 
That is when I realized that he had an accent so I knew he was not from around here.

Disclaimer: I was not creeped out by his appearance, I was creeped out because he walked up to me, a female, who is alone, to help with "car trouble" when there were about 10 men in the parking lot that were probably more capable of helping him than me. So my first thought was "Omg this guy is going to kidnap me or kill me."

Red flag? Maybe I just over think every situation, I don't know. 

I immediately and firmly told him "NO", got into my car, and locked the doors and called 911...

 Kidding! I did not call 911 lol.

I sat in my car and I watched him walk up to a Wal-Mart cart pusher to ask for help while pointing to a car that had its hood up, obviously his..I didn't notice it before (so much for paying attention to my surroundings)... 

Obviously this guy was telling the truth about needing help with his vehicle.

Most of you probably think "wow, you're a bitch for not helping him." Or you think that I should feel bad for not being a good person and helping him out.

 Well, I am sorry to burst your bubble but I didn't feel bad. Honestly I felt relieved that I didn't just come in contact with a crazy murderer rapist sex trafficking asshole or another threat to our community. The world has enough violent acts against innocent people. 

This made me realize that all of the hate and violence in the world has made me so paranoid I can't even help others or even accept help from strangers. God forbid I am ever stuck on the side of the road, I'd freak out if someone pulled over to help me lol.

So can we all do each other a favor and stick to the golden rule?

I'd like to go back to feeling safe when I leave my house.

I hope you understand what I am trying to say!