Sunday, August 28, 2016

I Met My Husband Before I Was Ready

      They say true love is the ultimate goal that all humans seek. The lucky ones meet "the one" very early in life, some go through a few relationships before they get it right, and well some, meet the one before they are ready. What do I mean by that? I'm talking about those dreadful on and off again relationships, the couples that can't decide to let go or hold on, and that girl who loves her boyfriend one night and can't stand him the next morning. Please don't be annoyed by these couples. They are in love, their just simply not ready for each other. It is possible to find the love of your life before you are ready to be with them 100%.

      I met my husband just after I turned 18. My age alone should tell you that I was not ready for a serious relationship. I was too immature, I wanted to party with my friends, I was selfish, I didn't have enough life experience to be ready for the relationship we have now. I didn't even know where my life was going! I still hadn't learned to love myself, so how could I love him?  But he was so handsome and he made me laugh, you couldn't pay me not to like this guy. I fell in love with him fast and hard. Too bad, I wasn't ready for him. Our relationship was pretty rocky for the first three years no matter how hard we fought to make it perfect. Why?

     I was an 18-year-old girl, playing mind games and purposely doing things to push his buttons. I guess I wanted to see how far I could push him and what I could get away with. I would constantly do things to make him jealous just to see how he would react. I now realize I caused so many of those pointless fights. If any girls are doing this, just stop. He doesn't think it's cute. 

My husband will probably fall over dead once he reads that I am admitting this.. I was so selfish, all I cared about was what I wanted and what I wanted to do. I hardly ever put myself in his shoes. I acted like a spoiled brat if I didn't get exactly what I wanted. Ugh, this is so embarrassing to admit... 

I had just turned 18, I finally had nobody to answer to. If I wanted to go out with my friends until 3 A.M., I thought I had every right to do that. I shouldn't have to answer to him or anyone else! I was a "mature adult" (or so I thought.) Too bad when you are in a relationship, you do have someone to answer to. Note this; If you have someone who cares enough to call and check on you, answer your damn phone.  Don't make the stupid mistakes I did.

Obviously, since we truly loved each other but we were not ready to be together, we fought a lot. Remember, I was selfish and immature. I thought the only way to resolve an argument was to walk away or just end the relationship for a week or two. It never occurred to me to put myself in his shoes or speak to each other with respect.

I think every girl goes through this. I had a lot of insecurities at this point in my life, I doubted his feelings for me often, and I thought he could do way better than me. How could he love me, when I couldn't even love me? As much as he tried to make me understand that he loved me, I was never convinced. 

I had no idea what I wanted to do with my life or where my life was going. The only job I had before I met Hesten was a cashier's job at Harps and when we met, I didn't even own a car.  He was actually a big part of me getting my life together, thank you babe!

I thought the way I could solve the constant fighting was to make him my world. I said goodbye to everyone he didn't like me hanging out with, up to and including friends I had known since I was 13-years-old. Everything I did, revolved around him. I was too immature to realize that was not a healthy relationship. The sad thing is, he never asked me to do this. I thought it would fix all of our issues but it only made them worse.

Our last breakup taught me a lot! This really gave me the "21-year-old single gal experience." I hated it. It was depressing to live in an apartment alone. There was no one to fight about what we were going to have for dinner or what to put on the T.V. I would have eaten Chinese food for the next fifty years if it meant that I could have him back in my life. This was also the longest breakup, roughly four months. Looking back, I'm so thankful for our time apart. It made me reflect on myself and the mistakes I made during our relationship. We both grew up and realized a life apart was not the life either of us wanted. What's that saying? "Absence makes the heart grow fonder." Yeah, that is true!

I wasn't ready to meet my husband when I did. We were not ready to give each other what we needed, and although sometimes we were apart, we grew closer together. If it is meant to be, it will find its way. Not all dramatic on and off again relationships end in heartbreak. Sometimes you just have to trust that good things come to those who wait. I believe that my marriage is proof that people can change for the better because we did. So thank you to my wonderful husband for never giving up on us, for giving me time to change, and for changing yourself. You are honest to God the best husband I could ever ask for. I love you.

To my readers:
I hope this post reaches someone who is going through an emotional rollercoaster relationship and can relate. Don't stress the little things. Shout out to the married couples who never gave up on the one they met when they were not ready to find them. I know this seemed like I'm putting all the blame on myself for our messed up relationship but we both made mistakes and we both changed.

Here's to 1 year and 7 months of marriage! Woohoo! 

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