Monday, August 22, 2016

Our Miscarriage Story

As you can tell from the title of this post, it is not going to a very fun post, sorry in advanced.

In my Bio/My Story section I do mention this briefly and I knew that I would eventually make an official post about it.

When a woman has a miscarriage, I feel like she is not encouraged enough to talk about it..

Well, I'm an open book.

When I found out that I was pregnant, Hesten and I had been married for 9 months. At the time Hesten had no desire for babies but I had a bad case of baby fever. He wanted to be 100% ready for a baby, financially and emotionally. Even though my Mom told him a thousand times, "Hesten you'll never be as ready as you want to be for a baby." She had a bad case of gran-baby fever lol.

I had noticed some changes in my body, I won't go into detail just in case there are gentlemen reading this. I was not one of those girls who tracked her "time of the month" but I always knew when Aunt Flow was going to make an appearance. These symptoms felt different. I actually took a pregnancy test at my sister's house but it was negative. Since I wasn't tracking Aunt Flow, I didn't realize at the time it was too early to test. A week went by after testing and still no Aunt Flow, so I bought another test. I don't think it even took 3 seconds for both lines to show up! I was so shocked to actually see two lines! I called my sisters and my Aunt and shared the exciting news over the telephone because I just couldn't wait. Hesten was going to be home in an hour, and well, I couldn't even wait to tell him in person. I called him, crying and he was in the middle of working with a customer and had to call me back. He didn't call me back, he came right home. After the shock wore off, we were both so excited. I was kinda freaking out, I mean after all there was a baby inside of me.

If you put two and two together, you notice I mentioned my Mom had a bad case of gran-baby #3 fever but I did not call her right when I found out. I knew I had to tell our Moms in a special way. Its funny, the week before I found out I was in fact pregnant, Hesten's Mom asked me if I was, like she knew. 

One of my Mom's favorite games is "Hangman." So at my Nephews birthday party, where my whole family would be, we played a game of Hangman. I went first and my family had to guess, "Mom, I'm pregnant." She first guess "Mom, I am stupid." haha. ;) She was so excited. When she realized what it actually said, she couldn't even get the words out she was so happy. 

Lisa, my Mother-in-Law, aka the sweetest woman alive, didn't have any gran-babies yet so I thought it would be most appropriate to buy her a frame that said "The Best Moms get Promoted to Grandma." We surprised her at her house on a Sunday, she wasn't expecting us. She guessed why we were there before she even opened her present. #mothersinstinct

We have the best Moms! 

Later that week we announced our news to all of our wonderful friends with this picture on Facebook.

I was so nervous for our first doctor's appointment because I had only been to the doctor a handful of times. We didn't know what to expect. Our doctor was so wonderful, answered all of our questions and we saw our baby for the first time. I was not expecting an ultrasound on my first visit, so when she brought us to the other room and saw the ultrasound machine I was so happy! At that moment everything become surreal when she/he showed up on the screen. Our hearts were stolen.. She told me I was 9 weeks along which was much further than I had thought. I was so excited to only have 3 weeks left of the first trimester, I was hoping to get a break from morning sickness soon.  Sadly, we didn't know at the time it would be the only time we met our baby and the only opportunity to capture a picture.

Our little baby. :)

Being the young married couple that we were (still are) we didn't have it all together. But we were going to make sure our baby had everything she/he needed. First things first, time to get a more reliable vehicle. Sadly, the baby didn't like my new car and it made me sick anytime I would drive it. haha. #irony 

We started looking at bigger houses in nicer neighborhoods, and moved into one.

My friends loaded me up with "what to expect when you're expecting" books, advice, baby room ideas.. we were going to be ready as we could be for a new baby. Everything seemed to be coming together in the short amount of time I was pregnant.

I woke up on a Sunday, almost a week after our first appointment and I had really bad cramps. I was pretty sick every morning so far of my pregnancy. I didn't know if it was normal so I didn't say anything, I just assumed it was part of pregnancy. Nothing happened that day but the cramps continued to the next morning. I was 10 weeks along today! I went to work as usual  and got my morning started. I remember standing up from my desk and it felt like I had peed my pants. So I rushed to the bathroom only to realize it wasn't urine but blood. I told my coworker that I had to leave, I was bleeding. Hesten forgot his phone at home and thank God he was on his way home to get it, I called him a thousand times. I finally got him to answer and I met him at our house and he drove me to the ER. We went to the closest ER, Mercy. When they checked on my baby, she/he was still had a heartbeat, and was okay. They sent me home with some pain medication and told me to rest. They said I was having a "Threatened miscarriage." Which means there is a good chance I was going to lose her/him. They told me to go in the next day to their OB-GYN for a check up.

Our appointment was at 2:00. I did my best to relax and the bleeding seemed to stop. So I had high hope that this was just a scare and everything was going to be okay. When I got to the doctors office they asked me to give them a urine sample. I went into the bathroom and that is when I realized the bleeding had started again. Crushed. I told one of the nurses I couldn't give a sample because I was bleeding. She looked at me with the saddest look and said it was alright, and everything was going to be alright.

They got us into a patient's room rather quickly. My nurse was the most caring nurse I had come in contact with. She prayed with me, and kept making sure I was comfortable. She said we needed to see if we can find a heartbeat, I wasn't ready to face reality yet. I was in a lot of physically and emotional pain. I'm so lucky to have a husband I can truly depend on, he was my rock that day.
The doctor came in right away after my nurse couldn't find a heartbeat and started to check things out for himself. During this time I was also passing massive blood when the doctor removed her/him from me I couldn't tell a difference. All of the sudden, the pain had went away. I thought he figured out what was wrong and fixed it. He asked me, "Do you know why your pain is gone?" As soon as he asked, I knew I was no longer pregnant.

How do you say goodbye to someone you never met but you loved more than you loved anyone you had? It is hard. You don't know who you are saying goodbye to, you don't know the memories you could have made, all you have to say goodbye to is your plans and what should have been. I also thought our baby was going to be a girl, I was going to name her Olivia-Whittney. I had all these plans for us, I imagined what Hesten was going to be like as a Dad, the things we would teach her, and we determined that I was going to be the push over Mom for sure. ;)

Mercy paid our baby the utmost respect and gave us a proper burial service with other Moms and Dads who lost their babies. They handed us this tiny box with her inside.

She'll always be in my heart.

I have no doubt, I will meet her in Heaven.

It does get easier, but I think any Mom or Dad who has been through a miscarriage still has their sad days. I don't want any Mom to feel like she can't talk about her angel baby or that she isn't a Mom. We suffer a great deal of pain for them, even if we don't get to hold them.

I encourage anyone has been through a miscarriage to leave your story in the comments below and if you haven't, simply share this post with your friends.

In Memory of Baby Ogden