Filling My Cup
Have you heard the saying you can’t pour from an empty cup? Meaning you can't give to others if you yourself are empty.
Ladies and gentlemen, I’m feeling extremely empty these days.
I don’t do well without 8 hours of sleep every night, and I’m not a morning person.
I need a good night's sleep for many reasons- I’m introverted so I need sleep to rest my mind and regain energy, and I’m an internal processor (enneagram 5) which means I’m always thinking and processing events as they come.
I don’t do well on little sleep- I get irritable, fussy, cranky and probably not so fun to be around.
I also struggle socially with very little sleep. I like to filter my thoughts before they become words. I like to be gracious and loving with every word I speak. I want my actions to replicate my words. I want to live a life that God would be proud of and I always want those in my presence to leave feeling filled up.
I hate to admit that I’ve been failing in this lately.
I can't remember the last time I had a good night's sleep. The main culprit is that I work overnight awake shifts. Which means I work 2 nights in a row where I’m up all night, then two nights at home to sleep, then two nights at work again, two at home, then three at work, then two at home and so on… how does one regulate their sleep and rest with that kind of schedule?
This past year has been such an eye-opener for me in terms of my self-care and paying attention to what my body and mind needs.
I also have been diagnosed with the BRCA2 cancer gene- which means living in me is the potential for great sickness.
My doctors have told me that there are things I can do that will help potentially keep this gene at bay. Some of those things are: eating healthy, exercising, drinking plenty of water, increase vitamin d intake, and last but not least, proper rest.
These last two months it feels like my body has upped its game in telling me that I am not doing these things. I have started having insomnia; vertigo is a new symptom I’m now dealing with, migraines, and nightmares when I do seem to fall asleep and last but not least never ever feeling fully rested. I feel exhausted all the time.
I don’t feel like I’m my best self. I am not able to give to those around me in the ways that I would like and I’m certainly not helping myself out either.
A few weeks ago I felt God put on my heart the idea of a permanent solution to my problems.
To backtrack a little- I have been working with a career coach since June to find another job. I felt in my spirit back in the summer that God had a different plan for me and that my profession would be changing soon. Then I was diagnosed with my cancer gene and then my health started to get worse.
All these things together encouraged the idea that it might be best to leave my job before I found a replacement job. I initially was waiting to get another job before I left this one but I felt that my health was only going to get worse; and not to mention what my body presently needs for the fertility journey I am on.
Listening to the advice from my doctors, seeking wise counsel from my mom, close friends and absolutely praying and seeking God's wisdom led me to decide to permanently leave my job in shift work.
At first it felt scary, I didn’t want to leave a job without any security. That’s human right? We never want to leave security. But sometimes I have found that God wants you to do things afraid… to show God that I trust Him with my future without knowing what that looks like.
My last day of work is January 2 going into January 3. So as of 8am on January 3 I will no longer be employed at Community Living. It's bittersweet as I’ve worked on and off at this job over the last almost 13 years (would have been 13 years on Feb 1). It feels very final for me as I cannot go back to shift work, and it was always a job I could count on if I was really stuck.
I am unsure of what 2021 will hold, but I feel complete peace in it. I’m excited to see what God has in store… I’m praying and believing for many miracles, as I feel a lot of what I’m believing my life to start looking like will only be because God gives me a miracle.
I am taking time to fill my cup and to allow my body to heal and to have a fighting chance against this cancer gene that I have inherited. God has a good plan, and even though I cannot see it I believe it will be the best plan for me.
I’m excited to continue this journey on my blog and to keep you all posted on the many miracles and joys that God is unfolding.
Again, thanks for spending a part of your Monday with me.